Reasons I Feel Cranky, Overwhelmed, Frustrated, Unhappy and Sulky:
- Ed is back. I like Ed. I do. But I dont feel like I got enough time on my own in Sudan, without his looming presence taking over everything. He's a lot to compete with, a big cloud that obscures everything and everyone else in sight. He can speak enough of almost any language to tell jokes in them, he can put anyone at ease, he can ask irreverent questions, he can get things done, he can get people to do what he wants, and he disapproves of anything not related to work. Its as if I was getting to make Sudan mine and then he came back and took it back for himself. Thats ok, because I'll have next summer to reclaim Africa (following the legacy of my colonialist ancestors) for myself. But hes so stressed out about getting this proposal written and everything squared away for when we leave that he doesnt leave time for anything else to get done. I just dont think he understands that to us, this was our first experience with Sudan, and it meant more to us than work. We have other things to say goodbye to and other loose ends to tie than RFP work and population data.
- Lucy. Lucy and I use to be very good friends. But either she has changed or I have, and now I spend more time being utterly irritated by her than wanting to be around her. This is not particularly PC of me, but I dont care. SHe is too preoccupied with money, and material things, and it seems like she will do anything to get it, and place blame on anyone else but herself. She keeps disappearing for long periods of time, taking with her the key to the office, so that when guests show up, not only can they not get into their rooms to rest and shower, but they have to eat dinner outside, sitting on the ground, with no utensiles, because all of the normal trappings for dinner are locked inside. And then Lucy just comes strutting back later going "oops! sorry!" which doesnt cut it. The reason the compound doesnt have a good reputation right now is because of her and that makes me really upset. There is suspicion that she might have been the one to steal my money, a claim which i cant assess the validity of at all with any kind of objectivity, but all I know is that the money we have already paid her for staying here hasnt materialized. Its not paying for food, its not going to the fathers. 500 USD disappeared and she keeps asking for more-money for laundry she did that came back wet and covered in mud, money for beers she gave us (5 pounds instead of 3 because "for me, its a business"), things she wants to buy and she'll pay me back. I just dont like it. I dont trust her. I dont want to be around her. And this morning, at seven am, both her and Ed started hassling me to figure out how much to pay her for laundry and I wanted to shout at them "Look! I have other things to be doing! Better thing! I'll pay you just GO AWAY".
- Kahn Institute. I. Am. Screwed. The essays, all three of them, are due on Monday, the day we leave for Juba. Its 3:28 on Saturday and I dont have a single one written. And more problematically, I dont have an idea of what to write for any of them. Ed accused me of not being a serious student because I'm not passionate about anything, and maybe he is right. I've been trying to find something that gets me fired up, but I dont have anything. Maybe my senses are so heightened all the time here that there is no room for any more highs or lows. Or maybe I'm defective and will never find anything that can hold my interest for more than a month. I have no sense of urgency to get these essays finished but at the same time I'm panicking because I know I need to do them. I'm just so lost about it right now.
- I dont want to leave Sudan. I dont want to go on Safari. If I could stay here instead, I would. I finally feel like I was begining to settle in, make a home and a family of people and friends. I had a routine started. I know people's names, and the names of their family members. I dont want to leave now, right when this is getting comfortable, and if it wasnt for Kahn Institute and the sense of duty I have bred into me to finish college, I wouldnt be going back. The fact that I have to makes me feel not only pathetically weak (not doing what I want, doing what I should. It lacks courage) but incredibly frustrated because I'm worried that not only will no one at home be able to understand the reality of everything here-I cant possibly describe it accurately for all that i try-and that I wont be able to settle for the busy, blaring, shuffled, extravagent life in the US. I'm moving back to a culture that doesnt value anything that I've learned to value here-time, and people and relationships and simplicity and so many other things-and I'm afraid I'll feel like a fish out of water, and be restless until I'm back.
I cant do more now. I'm reaching a crisis point with these essays. Maybe more later.
2 comments:
You poor thing! It sounds all so overwhelming right now. But don't worry-- you'll get through this.
For the Kahn Institute, remember, the "best is the enemy of the good." You have very high expectations for yourself about what those essays are supposed to be. If I were you, I would mine some of these very powerful journal entries.
Do one essay on the AK 47 as an infectious agent as you proposed. Do another on disordered infrastructure, and how things get done in a 'disorderly fashion', using your experiences with the roads and (potentially) the mental illness/substance abuse-- is good enough, good enough? Can you find any order in the way that Africans have learned to work the system so that things do get done?
Our expectations of healthcare are Western. Moreover, we know more about disease than we knew even 30 years ago. Where you are now is much more like the way things were in the US in the 1950s, or early 60's.
Have things changed for the better here in the US? If people don't know anything else, does death and disease carry the same weight or more weight than they do here in the US now. How is the culture different? What about the influence of TV and the news media?
If you can't get the essays done to your satisfaction with footnotes etc, just do the best you can, explain what you've been doing in an email to your professor, and ask for an appointment once you get back to discuss what else you might do-- or send them in as rough drafts and say that you'll polish them and footnote them once you get back. Just breathe. I know from myself that if you're anxious about what to write then it's 10 times harder to do it. You have a lot of great material, so please don't be embarrassed or nervous about what you submit. It's YOUR brain they want, not some artificial construct. There there.
XXXOOO Mom
Wow! Great comment Barb! And Emma - she is right! It is your brain, your mind. Your experiences this summer are going to bring so much to what you do for the Kahn Institute and your work for them. Meditate on that for a bit. You are bringing a huge amount back and so much of it relevant in so many ways.
Love,
/dad
P.S. - first read word in my verification code: "zippe" Whoppee! Zippee!
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