Thing One

I would like to preface this one by saying that in fact, I am not a horrible person. But i am getting really fed up with neediness. I completely understand that I am in a place where people need things-basic things-that they cant get. And I am not frustrated by that. Poverty is awful and pervasive and I wish there was more I could do for pretty much every person that I see. But some days it seems like every person I meet is saying to me "Get me this. Buy me this. Give me this. Fix this for me. Solve this problem for me. Do this for me." and its relentless and it wears me down.
I like giving things to people. I like buying things for people. I like giving presents and helping with chores and treating to food or drinks, and doing nice things for people, and taking care of people when they need it. It makes me really happy. And I knew that by coming to Sudan I would be coming to a place where I wouldn't be able to do enough for enough people, and it would be hard, and it would be painful and there would be an endless supply of people who needed help that I was incapable of giving. And, to further rationalize this, I also realize that if I were in a Sudanese person's position, I would probably try and get what I could from the khawaja too.
BUT. Some of these people are my friends. Some of them are people that I see day in and day out, and to whom I've made it very clear that I am willing to be generous, because that's what friends do. But they still ask. They still demand. Its like requiring me to give them gifts and buy them things, and to me, it cheapens our relationship. I want to be equal. I want to be seen as equal. I feel really uncomfortable being somewhat relegated to a higher position because of skin color or affiliation to a rich country. I'm looking at people as if they are my friends, or, in a lot of cases, as if they are deserving of more respect because of their experiences and their age and their position and their courage. I'll do what I can for anyone here. I don't think the inequalities that exist here are morally right, and I don't think someone should be doomed to early death and incredible poverty just because of the circumstances they were born into, or the nation they are part of. And maybe the price of "doing all i can" is to try and meet every request given to me. But friendship, to me, isn't based on what I can do for you and you can do for me, and it's hard for me to accept that in a lot of ways, in some places you can't separate who someone is from where they came from.